But First… It’s good to be back in the STATES again, I’ve been in Myanmar working on a Horror/Martial Arts/Global Warming Movie with Michael Moore, Leonardo Dicaprio and Al Gore with the working title: Moore, Gore and Decapitation

During the downtime on the set.. I got to talking to Michael and Al about Losing Weight and was able to pitch them some of Crappo’s Fabulous Weight Loss Products like the “Rapido Weight Loss Formula” and “The UK Diet“.

It was tough to talk over the sound of the AC Blasting in our Trailer, but they seemed genuinely interested..until lunch arrived of course..

Of course, Leo would just not stop talking about how great his Prius was, he had it flown over to location in a C135, so he could drive it into town.

It actually drove okay on the small trails, and honestly he did not have to fill it up once during the shoot. And because the tank was near empty, the C135 was able to save 3 ounces of Jet Fuel on the 16 hour flight back to the States.

Which is good because they had to dump 3000 Gallons of Jet Fuel in the rainforest in order to lift off the short runway…

Anyhow… between all the blah, blah, blah of weight loss, and the save the rainforest, buy green, recycle, and Go Hybrid RA RA!

I hit on a BRILLIANT IDEA!!

Why not CREATE a Fitness Formula That Would Increase Your Gas Mileage Too!!!

I quickly called The Crappo Labs with an outline of the Formula… They were as excited as I was… but told me it couldn’t be done..

So I put Al on the phone.. Al was able to pull up a PowerPoint he had done some 30 years earlier which had predicted the formula would be created in 2007 and this was enough impress the Crappo Scientists to press on.

Al actually showed me another PowerPoint made around the same time.. It was a Music Device he invented called the “AL-Pod” which allowed you to download music from another invention he was working on at the time. The Inter..something or other..

The guy is amazing. He even had a handheld TV from the 80’s he carried around which he called a “U-Tube”

Anyhow.. we’re getting off topic..

Crappo Scientists Pressed On and Created…

THE HI-OCTANE FITNESS FORMULA

It enables anyone to Lose Weight and Increase the Gas Mileage of Any Vehicle Instantly…

Listen to some of these Testimonials…

Hi Rich…

Just want to say in the last six weeks I’ve lost 25 Pounds, and increased my Gas Mileage by 2.5%.. I was going to buy a Prius, but if I can just lose another 25 pounds my Carbon Footprint will be reduced enough I won’t have to..

Rich,

What a bunch of baloney… or that’s what I thought (and used to eat).. This Formula Really Works! Dang… I must have saved $15.00 this month on Gas… I can’t believe I didn’t think of this formula..

Rich

You sir are a Genius… I’ve lost 35 Pounds in 8 weeks.. I’ve saved over $40 in Gas and my Average MPG has gone from 21mpg to 23 mpg..

Those are just 3 of the 1000’s of Testimonials we’ve received…

And now I know you can’t wait to hear the Formula…
How to Order… and How to Get Started Right Away…

Well, I’ve got a bit of a surprise for you…

The Crappo Legal Team told us that we can’t charge for this information… Because we’ve made too many dramatic weight loss claims in the past, we have to give this away for free…

So I’m going to tell you the Formula right now..

Get Your Pen and Paper…
Bookmark This Page it might not be up for long…

Here’s the Formula..

WALK INSTEAD OF DRIVE!!!
YOU’LL LOSE WEIGHT!!!
YOU WONT SPEND AS MUCH ON GAS!!!
YOUR MPG WILL INCREASE BECAUSE…
YOU’RE LIGHTER!!!

Rich Satire here.. I know you haven’t seen me in awhile, and I bet the first thing you noticed is my Amazing Tan and Lean physique.

That’s because six months ago I was invited by the Founders of Crappo Products to their new exclusive resort: Playa Del Crappeo, and I just got back to the States.

Located on the tiny island of Hostageo just off the coast of Costa Rica, Playa Del Crappeo is a gorgeous 50 yard stretch of beach with fabulous views, beautiful sand and very few fatal shark attacks.

Crappo Travel, always hip to the latest Travel trends picked up on the Adventure Travel success of TV shows like “Lost” (I was Passenger 57, and I’m set to appear in Episode 275) and “Survivor” ( I was a 3rd Alternate in Season Four, Jeff Probst’s Stunt Double in Season 5, and Richard Hatch’s Ass Double in Season One) Crappo purchased 20 Acres of lush jungle for 12 Goats and a Pallet of Ab-Tazers from Cesar Juan “Exxon” Valdez in 2005.

Now in Development, Villa Del Crappeo is billing itself as the ultimate Adventure Travel Destination.

Listen to this Amazing Travel Package

$139 includes..

Up to 180 Days and 179 Nights Lodging
Scavenger Breakfast each morning
Daily Outdoor Activities
Access to Fitness Center and Fresh Water..
AND…

FREE AIRFARE to Hostageo Island (some restrictions apply*)

*Valid from any Airport within 50 square miles of Resort

~~~
When I first set foot on Playa Del Crappeo’s scorching white sands I saw a Beautiful Beach, Gorgeous Palm Trees and noticed just the faintest odor from the famed Hostageo leech fields.

I knew I was in for the time of my life..

Now you’re wondering.. How can Villa Del Crappeo offer this incredible travel package?

It’s easy… as we’ve stated this is the Ultimate Adventure Travel Destination.

When you first arrive, you’ll be handed Crappeo’s signature drink. La Siesta Investa

Made with 5 parts rum, 1 part sweet vermouth, pineapple juice, coconut milk, a dash of rohypnol and garnished with not one, but two umbrellas, it’s a taste that you’ll soon forget.

After 1 Drink or 2 depending on your bodyweight, you’ll be led into our Conference Hut for a six hour presentation on….

Villa Del Crappeo Timeshares!

Imagine your own patch of sandy jungle, with elevated wood flooring, multi-colored tarp and well-worn path to the beach! Tropical fruit and hearty grubs at arm’s reach.

After the six hour presentation the Villa Paralegalies will use your freshly signed Power of Attorney and Timeshare contract to get you the best financing possible. Upon approval and after 3 business days you’re free to leave the Island immediately.

But…. If you’re not approved for financing you can take advantage of our “Last Resort Package”

Keeping with the “LOST” Theme, YOU and your family will be taken to “Others” this exclusive Work Spa and Fitness Center is located on the back of our Crappeo compound..

Here you can work off your mortgage and monthly timeshare fees under the beautiful South American sun. You’ll be building huts and shelters as well as learning sewerage basics, all under the tutelage of ex-Freedom Fighters and local out of work fisherman.

During this time we’ll have our financial experts working on increasing your credit score and getting your Timeshare financing approved.

Now not only are we giving you lodging and allowing you to scavenger for food during this time, but we’ll reduce your Timeshare purchase price $10 per month for each member of your family who participates. After six months a family of four can save up to $240 on the price of our Dirt Villa package bringing the cost down to just $499,759.00.

It gets better.. during Survivor Thursdays, we have friendly family competition with Prizes ranging from fresh water and beernuts and to videocassettes of Rosie O’Donnell and CarrotTop performing standup.

So if you’ve been looking for a Tropical getaway, Adventure Destination and Great Investment. Book Your Hostageo Vacation Today!

~~~
This is Satire… don’t try to book… we’re sold out anyhow..

Rich Satire here for another great item from Crappo Products.

Let’s face it, America is crazy about their Pets. Dog and Cat products are a multi-billion dollar industry and puppy product websites are being created faster than you can shake a stick at.

Cesar Milan has a popular show called “The Dog Whisperer” that’s taking training to a whole new level. Unfortunately, my pilot for “The Bitch Whisperer” was not picked up for the Fall season.

Well the folks at Crappo Products know there’s more to taking care of pets then just dealing with their…well.. Crap.. They need love, affection and discipline, but most all of they need to be worn out when you give it to them.

Here’s an example of my two worn out Chocolate Labs

That’s right nothing’s better than an exhausted dog. So the scientists at Crappo Products worked tirelessly to develop a line of puppy and dog toys that your pet would play with until they were completely pooped out… Literally.

But the Wait is Over!! The Recyclo Puppy Toy Collection is now Available..

Here’s what the Collection Includes.

The Cylinder
This amazing toy will drive your dog or puppy wild. Made of high density plastic, with a variety of labels this rollable, inflatable and water fillable and collapsible dog toy will provide hours of fun for your pet.

The Chewski
This noisemaker keeps your puppy’s tail wagging for hours. And a specially formulated aroma residue will keep your dog sniffing for more.

The Orb
A dog toy so unique that entire sports could be built around it.. Available in bright neon yellow, light brown, dark brown or musty, this lightweight toy, bounces, rolls and EVEN Floats!

And we’ve saved the best for last…

The Wand
The wand is a 14 inch wonder toy, that dogs love to chew, fetch, bite.. It has many additional uses, such as a fulcrum, stake or it can even start fires.. There’s 1000’s of uses for this miraculous item.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

That’s right!.. Our Recyclo Puppy Toy Collection contains four unique products that have been tested by 1000’s of Crappo Customers..

Here are some before shots of my dog Mallie playing with “a Chewski” and then “The Wand”

And here’s the after shot of Mallie in her Crate… with the DOOR OPEN!!

There’s no better example of a worn-out and well-trained puppy then one in a crate with the door open.

Anyhow, let’s wrap up this infomercial because we’ve only got enough cash for five more minutes of studio time..

If you order the Recyclo Puppy Toy Collection Today, we will throw in 2 ADDITIONAL BONUSES!

You will get not 1-Chewski, but 2 Chewskis!!!
and We’ll also toss in THE Deluxe Wand.. an 24 inch magical play toy for dogs and puppies..

This kit can be yours for just $29.95 - Shipping and Handling Included!!!

Here’s what you’ll get if you order today!!

CLICK HERE TO ORDER..

THIS IS A PARODY SITE – DO NOT ATTEMPT TO ORDER – IT’S A JOKE

Petsmart Dog Toys

Looking for Dog Behavior Advice?

Rich Satire here with the Most Amazing Diet Plan I’ve ever seen. Testimonials are pouring in daily for this revolutionary diet program.

There are no Diet Pills
There’s no Exercise Plan
No Counting Calories or Carbs

When I first heard about this diet plan I was shocked.

People everywhere were losing 37 pounds their very first day on the diet. Guaranteed!

And once the legal team at Crappo Products gave me the go-ahead, (and my appearance fee)… I immediately rushed to the studio to film the infomercial.

So what is this Amazing Diet Program called? It’s the UK-Diet!

Developed in England by Crappo Products International, this miracle loss formula is taking Europe by Storm.

Unfortunately it can’t be sold in the U.S. due to FTC issues.

The plan is so simple it works like Magic.. just purchase the plan and 37 pounds will vanish instantly.

Here are some Amazing Testimonials.

Nigel from London says:

Bloody hell, I couldn’t believe it I purchased the UK Diet and within minutes I realized I’d just lost 37 Pounds!

James from Leeds tells us:

You Bastard, to my surprise I lost 37 pounds instantly.

Bill from Birmingham:

Cheers Mate, ingenious program.. 37 Pounds bloody vanished.. Good show!

Thanks Mates.. great stuff.

Now I know most of you are anxious to get started on the diet so I’m going to tell you how to order in just a minute. But first, let me say again, this program is GUARANTEED!. If you don’t lose 37 pounds on the day you purchase the program we’ll give you a 100% refund!

How To Order!

The UK Diet is only available in the UK, so you must order via our UK shopping cart. The cost is just $68 US Dollars, but your payment will be converted to English Currency..

BUY NOW FOR JUST £37 GBP

THIS IS A PARODY SITE – DO NOT ATTEMPT TO ORDER – IT’S A JOKE

Looking for Real Credit Diet Products? Click Here!

Rich Satire here with a unique Debt Consolidation and Credit Repair plan developed by the Accountants at Crappo Financial Services.

Let’s face it, there’s a credit card debt crisis going on in this Country and Americans need to go on a Debt Diet. Even Oprah’s talking about Debt Diets these days.. And where Oprah see’s an opportunity, the folks over at Crappo Financial see one too.

Disclaimer: This is not an Endorsement by Oprah Winfrey, when you’ve got Rich Satire, who needs Oprah?

So when Crappo asked me to promote their CiKem Credit Repair System, I jumped at the chance to possibly be on Oprah, if this sucker actually worked..

Onto the CiKem system.

Perhaps you’re like Bill from Michigan

“Rich, I can’t pay my bills on time….can you help me consolidate my debt?”

Or Cindy from Kentucky

Rich I’m only making minimum payments each month, will I ever be able to afford a new trailer?.

Or J.T. from Florida

Rich can you help get around rising Strip Club ATM fees?

Or Destiny from Florida

Rich, J.T. told me how to find you… I’m late. Please call!

Well, I’m here to tell you the answer is Yes, Yes, Yes, and Destiny, you must have me confused with my twin brother Poor.

First let me tell you what’s contained in this AMAZING SYSTEM!

12 DVD’s on Money Management

Including

10 Audio CD’s on Debt Consolidation
5 WorkBooks on Credit Repair
1 BetaMax Tape on the Hottest Stocks of the 1970’s (used)

But Most Importantly you get the CIKem Mantra absolutely free..

The CIKem Mantra is what we’ll set you on the path to being Debt Free!

Sure there are other programs out there… but this is the simplest…

This system is so easy to use I can’t wait to share it with you..

First off… What does “CIK” stand for… Well it simply means “Cash is King”

Let’s say you’re at a Clothing Store making a purchase when a sweet young girl with the name tag “Suzy” at the counter asks the following….

“Would you like to receive 10% off your order by applying for our Store Credit Card”

Before you respond to her I want you to visualize my two PitBulls at your side, their names are Rambo and Dahmer…

Now politely say “No Thank You, I prefer to pay Cash”

If she says “But you could save $10 on this purchase”

At this point, I want you to visualize Rambo and Dahmer jumping over the Counter and tearing the flesh from Suzy’s bones, as she tries to use the microphone to call for a Manager, I want you to visualize never ever receiving a monthly bill from this Store or having to make monthly payments with 25% interest tacked onto your purchase.

Then… Relax… and say.. “Cash is King Suzy, No Thank You”

That’s the CIKem Mantra… when someone trys to sell you a credit card offer… just say CIKem!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

YOU CAN HAVE THE COMPLETE CIKEM SYSTEM FOR JUST $199.95

But if you’d like to order today we have a Special Offer for you..
Available Today Only..

Just signup for our Exclusive Crappo Products Credit Card with 0% APR for the first 30 Hours or 30 MONTHS, whichever comes first..

You’ll save 10% on YOUR FIRST ORDER!!!
AND… If you make minimum payments for the next 5 years, at the end of Five Years, we will send you the New and Improved CIKem Money Management System…AUTOMATICALLY… And we’ll knock 10% of that order, just for being a Loyal Customer!!!

Order TODAY!!!

THIS IS A PARODY SITE – DO NOT ATTEMPT TO ORDER – IT’S A JOKE

Looking for Real Credit Repair Products? Click Here!

It’s called the Rapido Weight Loss Formula Because it works Fast!

Let’s face it, there’s an Obesity Epidemic happening all around us.. Americans are getting fatter and wider every day. But now you can have a perfect body like me, Rich Satire with the Rapido Weight Loss Formula.

Diet Products are Multi-Billion dollar industry. And Rich Satire wants a piece of the pie.. um….. action.. Piece of the action.. That’s why when the folks at Rapido Weight Loss Inc, asked me to pitch their cutting edge product for them I said why not… As long as no one dies…

So What’s the formula?

It’s so simple..

All you do is take 3 Rapido Pills with 8 Ounces of water, wait 30 Minutes, then work out Vigorously on a treadmill, elliptical trainer or Stairmaster for 2-3 hours.

After you get off the treadmill, take 3 More Rapido Pills with another 8 Ounces of Water, then go sit in a Sauna or Steambath for 1-3 hours.

Just do this for 10 Days Straight and We Guarantee Dramatic Weight Loss..

Listen to what Bob from San Diego had to say about the Rapido Weight Loss Formula

“At first I was skeptical about whether this formula would work, but I decided to give it a try. The first couple of days were tough, and the third day, I had to be rushed to the Emergency room so I didn’t get the full hour in the Sauna… But for some reason that was my biggest weight loss day to date.. After 10 Days I dropped 37 pounds, and once the doctors take me off dialysis, I’m getting right back on the system. Thanks Rapido!”

~~~

Created by a group of Scientists working out of a world-class facility in Mexico, they spared no expense in testing this incredible supplement.

They conducted double-blind studies on this amazing weight loss formula.

The control group were given a placebo with a glass of water and told to run north, the other group was given Rapido and told to run north.

Unfortunately the group given the placebo went across the US Border and were not available for further testing.. But Due to Rapid Weight Loss, the Rapido group did not have the energy to make it to the Border.. What does this prove? It Works!

BUY THE RAPIDO WEIGHT LOSS FORMULA NOW FOR JUST 3 EASY PAYMENTS OF $39.95

Order today and we’ll send you a Free Work-Out Towel and One Dozen Salt Tablets.

THIS IS A PARODY SITE – DO NOT ATTEMPT TO ORDER – IT’S A JOKE

Looking for Real Diet Products? Click Here!

Rich Satire here..

Several years ago Abdominal belts that you could wear underneath your clothes were all the rage.. I even pitched a few on late night TV myself. They promised to help you lose pounds, lose inches, all without diet and exercise, simply by causing your abdominal muscles to contract by electric stimulus. And before long the FTC got involved.. and yada, yada, yada.. you know the rest.

Now the Scientists at Crappo Products knew the Ab Belt inventors were onto something with the whole muscle contraction thing to help stimulate your abdominal muscles.. What they were lacking was power. It takes a lot of juice to really make this work.

Thanks to my genetics I don’t have to work too hard to keep my six pack abs in shape, so when Crappo invited me to try their new Ab-Tazer Fit system I was eh… stunned.

Now, Crappo Scientists conducted interviews with over 100 Felons and here’s what one had to say about Ab-Tazer.

I like to stay in shape and seeing as I’m out of work and a 2-Time Felon I often drink beer with my shirt off. It’s important my Abs look good.. You never know when you’re going to be on COPS, or even American Idol.

Now I’ve been Tasered a few times by the Local Sheriff, only he usually gets me in the chest… but one night after I got home late from drinking with the boys, the old lady was ready for me and hit me in the Stomach with a Stun Gun the second I walked in the door. I said “Daaaannngggg Woman, that hurts..” Well would you know that the next day my Abs were sore… Like I had done 100 Situps.. So when I found out about the Ab-Tazer I stole the first one I could find to try it out.. Thanks Ab-Tazer Billy Lou Ray Bob, FL.!

Wow that’s great Billy Lou! In fact, we have some footage of Billy Lou on Cops coming up later.

So where was I..

Oh yes… The Ab Tazer System.

Let’s face it.. if you’re trying to lose weight and trim inches off your waistline you need an edge.. An the Ab Tazer can give you that jolt you need to get started..

50,000 volts can burn a lot of calories too.. After all Volts and Calories are both forms of energy..

Also Ab-Tazer only works with the Buddy System which is a proven way to improve your motivation and maintain willpower. In the old days you’d pass a Medicine Ball back and forth, but it’s the 21st Century.. Find a Buddy, stand 10 Feet apart, aim for the stomach and hit that button.. All it takes is 3 Hits, 3 Times a day and you’ll have washboard abs or perhaps renal failure in just a few weeks.

You need Ab-Tazer. Get it today for just $99.95!! (Batteries Not Included)

THIS IS A PARODY SITE – DO NOT ATTEMPT TO ORDER – IT’S A JOKE

Looking for Real Weight Loss Products? Click Here!

I know your first thought is “Rich, you’ve got a beautiful head of hair, surely it’s natural”

And yes, you’re right it is.. I’m no baldy…

And when the makers of the Follicle Frenzy hair loss system asked me to pitch their product I said sure… Rich is willing to help the follicly challenged..

So I asked them, what is it?, another Propecia, Rogaine, or advanced Flowbee attachment? They said it’s even more cutting edge..

I was impressed…

Hair loss remedies are a billion dollar business… Rich would get scalped for a billion bucks…

And you’ve got to figure a cure for baldness is years off.. Even Captain Picard was bald, which is very bad sign for you baldies out there.. Was it Boldly go?, or Baldly go?… I can’t remember…

So what causes hair loss I asked…

They told me the most common cause of hair loss is known as androgenetic alopecia, or male pattern baldness..

It affects about 10-15% of American Males by their mid 20’s, and almost 40% by their mid-30’s.

There are other factors too, but about 95% of all cases are Alopecia related..

I started to nod off at this point and I don’t remember much more about the conversation.. But when they pulled out their checkbook I woke right back up.

So finally I said okay… So tell me how the Follicle Frenzy system works?

It’s simple they said.. Most men suffer extreme stress watching their hair slowly fall out each day.. They spend $1000’s on pills, topical creams, hair replacements, yet they still cringe every time they look at a shower drain…

By the way rumor has it that in the famous Pyscho shower scene Janet Leigh had Alopecia and was actually screaming because the drain was clogged with her own hair.. Tony Perkins had a nice head of hair… don’t know why he wore a wig in that scene…

Anyhow… they continued on and said..

The Follicle Frenzy system stops gradual hair loss instantly and you’ll never see another head hair in the shower again… And it’s guaranteed…

Here’s how it works…

When you purchase the Follicle Frenzy system you get our advanced creme, an electric trimmer and a bag of bic razors…

Step 1.. Turn the electric trimmer on and make multiple passes over your remaining hair.

Step 2.. Apply our Special Creme until it’s foamy and covering your entire head..

Step 3. Use the Bic Razors and make multiple passes over your scalp until it’s smooth as the hood of my Corvette..

That’s it you’re done… Gradual Hair Loss is a thing of the past.

Every few days repeat steps 2 and 3 and you’ll never lose another hair from your head…

Think of the countless hours of stress and grooming this will save you…

To maintain this look all you have to do is purchase our special Gillette….. eh, I mean Follicle Frenzy Cream every month on autoship…

It’s just $19.95 per month… Click here to order..

THIS IS A PARODY SITE – DO NOT ATTEMPT TO ORDER – IT’S A JOKE